My Savior, My God

Well it’s definitely been awhile since I wrote! I need to write more often considering I’m an aspiring writer!

A lot has happened since I last wrote. The summer has come and gone.  It really flew by. But the most important thing that happened this summer is when I rededicated my life to the Lord.  On June 21, Rejoice came to sing at my church and as I was sitting there, listening to a song I had heard before but never gave much attention, I suddenly broke down. God had only been getting a part of me and I decided it was time to change that.

Since then, like any other Christian, I have faced some hard times. My brother had his 3rd heart attack back in August. My health problems have been acting up and my panic attacks came back full force. But this time, instead of trying to handle things my way, I gave them to God. I told him “Here. Take them. I am no longer going to pretend I can do it on my own.” He has given me a peace I have never experienced before in the 6 1/2 years that I’ve been saved.

I have a major prayer request. I have been heavily burdened about one of my family members. I’m not going to name names because that’s not important. The thing is….they are turning their back on God, whether they realize it or not. They are blaming God for things, thinking it’s pointless to go to church, insisting  that nothing good comes out of it.

That really scares me because I can see where this is headed and for the life of me, I do NOT want to see them go down this road. I almost went down it. Thank God He saved me before I did!

Well….that said…I am going to get off here…go watch my favorite Tuesday night show and relax.

2009 National Champs!

I am a very content fan right now. My guys proved what everyone already knew: They are the best team in the country, hands down.

They defeated Michigan State 89-72 to win their 5th National title (1957, 1982, 1993, 2005, 2009) I am so proud to be a Tar Heel fan! They overcame obstacles and were determined to redeem themselves for last year’s humiliating loss to Kansas in the Final Four. And redeem they did!!! In every game of the tourney, they beat the opponent by double figures! If I’m not mistaken, I believe that last team to do that was Duke in 2001.

Congrats to all the players!!!

I’m getting ready to work on another video of the Heels so be looking for it in a couple weeks.

Where did my faith go?

I want to be happy.

I want peace and understanding

I want more faith

I’ve been experience somewhat of a relapse in my depression and naturally it is affecting every single thing I do. Should it? Of course not. But I’m still trying to figure out how not to let it control me. It’s hard.

My body aches. All over. Physically I’m exhausted. Mentally, I’m drained. Spiritually, I’m on empty.

I don’t understand why God allows certain things to happen. Never in a million years did I think I’d be filing bankruptcy at the age of 25. Nor did I think I’d be living back at home working a minimum wage job (and only part time at that)

Just when I thought my health problems were getting somewhat better…….things fall apart again. Blah…..kidney stones….blah root canals….blah pap smears (haven’t had my little friend since last July so…..hmmm…and NO, I’m not pregnant. ya gotta do something to get pregnant and i can assure you that I’m not. they are also testing my prolactin (sp?) levels.

I actually had something interesting to talk about but I’m on a pain killer for my kidney stone and i’m starting to nod off.

time to get off my laptop before i drop it off my bed.

Failure

WARNING: THIS POST IS NOT UPBEAT AT ALL. I HAVE TO VENT MY FEELINGS SO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BECOME DEPRESSED THEN STOP HERE.

I feel like such a failure. I’ve reached a point to where I no longer can take much more heartache. I have a crappy job and no one ever lets me forget it which  makes me feel ten times worse.

Yes, I know I have my Business degree. No, I’m not just sitting back and watching it not being put to use. Yes, I am trying so hard to find another job. No, I’m not being lazy in my job search.

I’m almost 26 years old and not only do I feel like a complete failure in almost everything I do….I am in the process of filing bankruptcy. Ironic, huh? I was a business student….I should have known better, right? Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.

Bankrupt before I’m 30 years old. How messed up is that? Never in a million years did I ever think I would be so financially bad off that I’d have to file bankruptcy.  Never. I’ve got so many HUGE bills that i just can’t pay anymore. I’m so delinquent in every single bill I have….credit cards, hospital bills and my student loans. I have looked at every possible option and bankruptcy is the only choice.

I make $6.55 an hour and only work between 15-25 hours a week! I’m lucky to bring home a $300 paycheck every two weeks. I’m ashamed to working at a movie theater. I know I shouldn’t be but I am. This is a freaking high schooler’s after school job! I have my freaking Business degree and this is the best I can do?

I’ve begun to hate my life. I hate who I’ve become. I hate this bitterness. But it won’t go away. All around I see my friends moving up in life…..getting that job they wanted….getting married and having kids….and overall just enjoying life. I don’t get the luxury of doing that.

I absolutely hate my life right now. I’m so miserable. All I do is cry when I’m alone and no one can see me.

I just don’t know how much more of this I can take.

No Doubt, The Fray and Jack’s Mannequin

So as I was driving out to Lynnhaven this afternoon I noticed how stupid drivers can be when it comes to state troopers or local police. I was minding my own business, humming to some song on my radio, when I saw the blue lights in my rear view mirror. Like almost everyone who sees those flashing blue lights, my heart skipped a few beats and then I breathed a sigh of relief when he switched lanes to pull another car over. Funny thing was…I was doing at least 5-10 miles over the limit. Oh well. LOL

Anyways, as soon as other cars saw him they immediately slammed on their brakes. First off, the trooper had already pulled someone over so what was the purpose of slamming on the brakes? If he was going to pull you over for speeding he would have already. Be lucky he chose someone else to pull over. I know I was breathing a sigh of relief!

So I’m torn about something….No Doubt is coming to the Verizon Wireless Ampitheater in June. I would LOVE to go! BUT….The Fray is coming sometime this summer as well and with Jack’s Mannequin at that!!! I LOVE both of those groups. Hmmm…well I can’t go to both so I need some help! If I had the money I would definitely go to both but since I don’t I gotta choose! This is torture, lol

Tar Heels have made it to the Sweet 16 again! So excited to see my guys play on Friday night against Gonzaga. The last time we played them was in 2006 and they beat us. Time for a rematch!!!

I’m planning on going up to AJ Gator’s or something of the like to watch the game tomorrow night. I might go somewhere tonight and watch some of the games going on. Not so sure about that.

I’m so hungry right now.  Guess that’s my cue to wrap this up!

Hmmm..

So I’ve decided that it is time for me to write more regularly–if I’m an aspiring writer then I need to write as much and as often as I can.

However, I’ve been suffering from a major case of writer’s block. I can’t seem to get anything on paper. I hate it!

Okay so I’m just going to ramble for right now.

So the past few months have definitely been full of clarity. Since I’ve been home and gotten my life straight with God I have discovered that God may not have marriage in my future. A year ago that would have saddened me. But as I move on with my life and continue to grow I am very content with being single and if I’m supposed to be single for the rest of my life then that will be fine with me.

So as a lot of people know, I work at a movie theatre. It was the only job I could find when I moved back home and sometimes I find myself ashamed of it. Sometimes I’m embarrassed to say that I work at a theatre. I’m afraid that people are going to think less of me. I wonder why I even went to college now. I’m not using my degree and am now in so much debt that I have no clue how I’m going to get out of it.  I realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my job but I can’t help it. I’m working a high schooler’s job and only part time at that!

Life has a funny way of knocking a person down, that’s for sure!

So I got my taxes back the other day. I got way more than I was expecting! My mom told me to take a little of it and spend it on myself but I can’t bring myself to do it! I have bills that I have got to stop procrastinating on paying and if I spend money on myself, it’d make me feel selfish.

I’ve got a lot of thoughts racing through my head but until I can get them to slow down in order to get them out on here I’m gonna have to stop for now, lol

Twilight

So I had made up my mind that I was not going to jump on the Twilight bandwagon…I’m already a huge Harry Potter fan so I decided I didn’t need another series to be addicted to.

Then a friend from church persuaded me to read the first book. I did and now…I’m hooked. I’m on the 4th book now and am anxiously awaiting the movie to come out this weekend! Though I have heard that it does not measure up to the standards of the book at all. Oh well, I still want to see it.

Have I mentioned that I love the month of March? March Madness doesn’t even begin to cover it when it comes to how I get during this time of the month. (okay that could be construed another way…lol) but I MEAN that I get so hyped up, totally into watching the games. It’s more fun when there is a lot of people watching alongside me! So I have decided that I am going to get a bunch of people to get together (my brother has a plasma….hmmmm, lol)

Anyway, not much to talk about right now. I’ve got a lot going on but nothing that I can talk about (rather want to talk about that is)

GO TAR HEELS!

Tar Heels get #1 seed once again!

Can’t wait for the first round of the NCAA tournament this Thursday! I might have an opportunity to go if I play my cards right.

I just wish I had more people to celebrate and watch games with.

Check out this video I made on the 1st half of the 2008-2009 season! I am working on the second half right now

March Madness

Yes. It is that time of year again! I love the month of March! Watching the NCAA tournament is like having Christmas every day for a month! I get so excited when it comes time to filling out my bracket (which, by the way, I was almost dead on during last years tournament! I predicted all four #1 seeds making it to the Final Four! Unfortunately Kansas screwed that up for me by humiliating my beloved Tar Heels!)

Yep, for the next four weeks, I will be watching the games (when I can, that is) and getting together with other college basketball fanatics to celebrate!)

Ahhh…Selection Sunday is the 15th! Can’t wait!

UNC has 2 more regular season games: VA Tech tomorrow night and Duke on the 8th. Then it’s the ACC tournament! GO HEELS!

Yes, I get a little crazy this time of the year….but I love it!!!

Life sure has a way of knocking me around

Life as of lately has been very…frustrating to say the least. I have a crappy job that only pays minimum wage, I can’t find a better job, my mom’s car broke down on me a few weeks ago and then my car broke down last week.

I’m about to fall apart. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually drained right now. I know God is allowing these things to happen for a reason that I will figure out late but sometimes I just feel like saying “Haven’t I had enough?”

This may sound ridiculous but right now the only thing keeping me sane is watching my Tar Heels play, LOL! For a couple of hours I just let loose and forget about all my problems. (Of course, if we lose, my attitude gets worse, lol)

I have been getting back into the swing of things with my devotional life but sometimes I just feel like God is not listening to  me when I cry out to Him. I know He is but it just doesn’t seem like it sometimes. I am so selfish! I expect answers right away when I am fully aware that God doesn’t work like that.

I am trying to mend things with a couple people that I took things out on when I was angry but so far I’m not very successful. I realize I made some mistakes but I don’t know if they care anymore. I’ve tried calling…I’ve apologized…there is nothing else I can do but give it to God and let Him take control of the situation. Because I can’t anymore….I feel like I’m getting nowhere.

I wanted to write a little more but I’m so exhausted from working all day that I am just going to end it here. Maybe I’ll have a more upbeat blog soon, lol.